What hurts the most is the ability you had to just give up like nothing was ever there, while I sit here and keep wondering why the hell I keep thinking like this about you if you never gave a damn about me. How pathetic of me to wear my heart on my sleeve.
Just.. Fuck.
I don’t want you to see this, and see how I really feel.
But at the same time, I wish you would and see what you’re doing.
How could you say you were in love with me for so long, and then in less than two months say you don’t feel it anymore. I don’t understand.
Just.. Fuck.
*,
I just want to say that you are honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me. I have so many feelings for you, I don’t even know exactly what they are. You make me so happy [I know I suck at showing things, and saying how I feel, etc.], and I’m sorry for draining you to the point of not wanting to be with me. I just hate that I can’t make you happy anymore, but someone else can, and that is definitely a major key to why I’m so upset with.. Well, everything really. You were that light in my life that I knew I could come to with anything, to watch movies with, listen to music, take drives with, take you to dinner.. But now, I lost all of that, because I suck at showing emotions. It’s always been a huge downfall of me, with my family, friends, to myself. I try to mask all the bullshit, which works until it comes up and bites me in the ass. Again, I’m so so so sorry I had to put you through that. That was the last thing I ever wanted to happen, was to push you away the way I did. I am going to be upset with myself for a very long time. I just still can’t believe I pushed the girl I am in love with away because I’m selfish.
You came in at a dark point in my life. I was really angry with myself [to say the least] and I just wanted to quit. But then, I decided to be a creep and comment on your picture [which is still one of my favorites of you, ever] and who would have thought it would blossom into something so.. Wonderful. When I first went to visit you, miserable and sick, I was so incredibly happy. I can still remember the job I was coming home from, the shitty night I had when Al was snoring and only got 2 and a half hours of sleep, the playlist I had to come drive down to, and even the feeling of when I saw you standing there with Sam in front of your dorm. I just knew there was something different about you, and I wanted to know more of what it was. That night, after being in your little bed with you, just laying, I knew I was hooked on you. You kissed with such gentleness but had passion, your hugs were tight and sincere, and your smile was just so radiant. And then we started dating after that.
Those first few months were amazing, you introduced me to your dad [who still intimidates me], your mom, and all your brothers and sisters, who I would later come to love in my own way. Even Bane, though I was extremely hesitant to have him unmuzzled. They all left a mark with me that I would carry for a long time. After those months, things started to get a little shaky, but that was bound to happen. We would have little quarrels, over nothing, but in the end we always forgave each other and moved on. Then, it started getting a little more out of hand, but again, we always recovered from it, and we said we would never get like Sarah and Larry fighting all the time, and storming off [which thankfully, never happened].
The last few months of us dating, I wasn’t the boyfriend I should have been, in any way. I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart.. I cannot stress it enough. I know you say it isn’t my fault, but I really feel like it is my fault. I was upset with a number of things, but specifically Dominic. He constantly would come up in my dreams, and I would get mini-panic attacks at night [which you saw many a times] and it really freaked me out. At that point, that’s when I started to feel Dom’s death was my fault, because I wasn’t there for him, and I kept beating myself up for it [I have NEVER told anyone that..]. I wasn’t thinking about how I felt was affecting you. I just am truly sorry. If I could take back those last few months, I would give ANYTHING to do it.
*, I can’t express enough how sorry I am for doing this to you. I really broke my own heart founding out how this whole thing affected you. It will take a long time for me to forgive myself.. Maybe this won’t be the last time I say this, but until then..
I love you, with all of my heart, to it’s entirety. You mean the world to me, and something in me thinks I will always. And again, I’m sorry.
I always told myself I would never make one of these. But, times is rough.
Probably just a shit venting medium, because my handwriting sucks.
